I was approached by a lady at the lib this afternoon to complete a survey for her dissertation. Thought little about it initially, as I went down the long list of questions pertaining to the stress of life as an overseas student. There were the usual homesickness, adjustment, security, discrimination, independence etc questions. One particular question made me ponder briefly for a bit though- it asked whether I ever felt guilty about being overseas, away from my family and friends. Was supposed to rank it from 1-5, on how guilty I felt about it. Guilt? I wondered about the choice of words for a moment. There was this momentary twang of emotion that I can't place. I thought the question was a little odd at first. Sad? Lonely? Scared? ok..but guilty? Yet even in my puzzlement, I think I understand quite clearly what it meant too.

Then I understood why. And I suppose, yes, there is a sense of uneasiness that might well be classed under 'guilt'...Guilty that I'm missing out on the going-ons of so many people I hold dear to my heart back home. Admittedly, I have got to deal with various aspects of my own struggles right here and now, so the guilt certainly doesn't stem from the fact that I'm enjoying life while others aren't- no way- but more of me not being there when I should. When I could have help make some little difference to a couple of people's lives simply by being around. Ok.. I don't know if it'd have made any real difference really, my physical presence, but at least I can tell myself I tried my best. Now that I'm miles away 3/4 of the time, it's just not easy. Sometimes. But I know I don't regret the choice I've made. Only that some 'guilt' just has to be borne.

The burdens we carry on us grow heavier with age. But I hope that we too grow stronger with each experience to carry them through.